11 Industries That Millennials Will Kill Next

Originally published by the Odyssey Online

There's an unstoppable force in the world that strikes fear in the heart of every business executive. It is bent on destroying every business in it's path. It cannot be reasoned with, it cannot be dissuaded, and nothing will be the same afterwards. This force went without a name for a while, but now it has one: Millennials.

Millennials are killing dozens of industries, from juggernauts like football, to smaller ones like napkins. They make headlines for everything they do, even if they're contradictory actions or ephemeral concepts. There's no reason to expect these headline trends to go away soon. Instead, I'd like to get ahead of them. Everybody is talking about what has already taken a hit, not what will be ruined in the future. As a Millennial myself, I obviously already know the answers. We have to organize these attacks to make them truly effective. Here are some exclusive previews about the next businesses that will take a hit from this zombie horde of an artificial age bracket. Speaking of which...

1. The Zombie Horde

The Walking Dead, World War Z and Dead Rising. This led to many people comparing the generation to this monolithic brain-dead horde. But that stereotype of the generation has long passed, and the new stereotype signals the death kneel for the genre. The young people now are all about individuality and anti-heroes. They want monsters with a personality and a unique motivation. Zombies don't allow for that variety of evil, so expect them to be replaced soon with a trendier threat. The smart money is on robots, which taps into the same fear while also allowing for terrible Twitter jokes.

2. Jai Alai

Millennials have already killed the golf industry. Young people just aren't picking up the King's Game in the same way that their parents did. And apart from having won three of the last four PGA tournaments, there are no signs the trend will change. Other country club sports with specific equipment needs will likely suffer the same effects soon. Jai Alai has never been a big name in the genre, which makes them likely to be the next casualty.

3. Orange Juice

Orange trees got wrecked by Hurricane Irma. The groves that dotted Florida have suffered untold damage, with up to 70% of orange trees suffering effects from the storm. You might think that this has nothing to do with Millennials, since it was caused by a natural disaster. But that's not the case. Millennials were alive when the hurricanes happened. Millennials buy food to eat in the morning and juice to drink with that food. Therefore, it is fair to blame the inevitable hit that the industry will suffer exclusively on this one demographic.

4. Hacky Jokes About Cleveland

The Cavaliers have played in the last three NBA finals and brought the city its first championship since 1964. This was mostly due to LeBron James and Kyrie Irving, two notorious Millennial athletes. The Indians just finished the longest winning streak in modern MLB history and the majority of their players are in that generation. The Cuyahoga River hasn't caught on fire during their lifetime. If the Browns can eventually get to a level of competence, the city might escape their infamous reputation. Hack comedians will have to go back to joking about Detroit and New Jersey. Those who can't make the transition will be ruined.

5. 80's Nostalgia

There's no official starting date for when Millennials were born. Based on the US Census definition of the generations, the oldest Millennials were born in 1982. Most of the generation has no memories of that decade or almost no memories. That poses a problem for entertainment that wants to capitalizes on that period of nostalgia, which is nothing new. 80's nostalgia has already replaced 70's nostalgia, which replaced hippie fascination. But unlike any transition before this, Millennials are involved and available to be blamed.

6. Awkward Silence

It might seem difficult to kill an abstract concept like this. But if Millennials can kill off serendipity, they are capable of doing anything. This seems like the best target because nobody likes awkward silences. It is a special kind of shared discomfort, a moment that's both intimate and deeply uncomfortable. You know what will get rid of that? Constantly being on your phone, which is all my generation does. At the first hint of silence, just pull your phone out and find a new topic to get into.

7. Self-Driving Cars

These aren't even on the open market yet. Google and Elon Musk are still hard at work making this into a future industry. But don't assume that Millennials will blindly buy into any and all new technology. They've already killed both Google Glass and Snapchat Spectacles. The only thing that matters more than making things easier is making things cooler and cheaper. Will they spend what little money they have on getting their own quasi-legal computer chauffeur? Or will they just keep paying for Ubers and Lyfts?

8. Chipotle

"But wait," I hear you saying, "I thought Millennials hated casual dining restaurants and were completely addicted to avocados. Shouldn't this be a perfect situation for Chipotle?" A popular misconception. Millennials don't love everything with avocado, just toast. All we eat is avocado toast. And Chipotle, as much variety as they have, does not offer toast. Check and mate. Plus their new queso has gotten a bad reaction and they keep giving their customers E. Coli. In an instant-reaction economy, that means Chipotle is completely doomed and will soon drop off the face of the planet.

9. Souvenir Keychains with Names on Them

Do you know how many ways there are to spell Caitlin? Way too many to afford putting them all on a cheap souvenir. Plus, this generation is naming their kids with more variety than ever before. There are no longer monolithic names like Michael and Emma that can easily be branded. Additionally, there's the problem of massively increased diversity within the country. Souvenir factories can make something for every Tom, Dick and Harry. But can they afford to do the same for Tomas, Dikembe and Haruki?

10. Climate Change Denial

This one I'm fine with getting killed off. Slowly poisoning the entire planet is bad for the long term economy. Let the young blood come in and bring in something new.

11. Millennial-Hating Think Pieces

There are two things that my generation has an abundance of. One is experience sharing their opinions on the internet, regardless of whether they're supported by fact. The other is a deeply rooted and pathological self-loathing, fueled by the systemic failures of our national mental care system. When those powers combine, they can write hot takes about themselves like you wouldn't believe. Watch your back, Business Insider. The new generation is coming, and they have multimedia experience and aggressive social media marketing.

These are some industries that Millennials will probably target next. Obviously, we plot this all out at our monthly Millennial Plotting Sessions, help on a slightly newer version of Snapchat you've never heard of. I can't reveal what we have agreed to destroy next, but there's no limit to our ability to not spend money on traditional things. From Facebook to Ford, to the idea of marriage, to the idea of patriotism, everything is on the chopping block. We are a legion, we are singular, and we are addicted to avocados.